Waiting

Well, I am still a work in progress, but there has been some actual progress. Not the progress I was aiming for, but then it seems like that is just the way it goes.
In the past two months I have moved the new man into my home, got myself a new job (only half time, I will keep my old job half time), and started fixing up my yard. I have to say, I am really, really happy. And yes, I am a happy person overall, but this is a surprising level of happiness, even for me. I keep wondering when the dropper is going to fall open. Sick, isn’t it?
This is not an entirely unfounded fear. There are several factors that could complicate my happy, happy life. The new job is not just new to me; it is new to everyone at my work. On the one hand, this is like being given a blank canvas and being told to have fun and paint. On the other, art is subjective. What if “they” hate what I create? It makes me a little nervous. My yard was a blank canvas when I bought the house nine years ago. Now it is still blank, but with some holes in it that are not part of an artistic plan. Good thing we are tackling that too, I really need to get that metaphor out of my mind.
Another factor is that while things are improving on the financial front, it is a very slow process. And as far as the improvements on my physical being, those are even slower. My motivation still seems more hypothetical than action oriented. This coupled by my man’s seemingly unending energy make me wonder sometimes what he sees in me? I like to think that I have always been myself, so none of these truths about myself should be a surprise, but what happens when the lust clears from his vision and he starts to recognize that I am just a normal girl with some bad habits?
So there are clearly some things that I need to continue working on. I hope that by occasionally checking in with myself I will continue to show improvement, become more secure in my happiness, and take my head out of the imaginary noose I find myself putting it in. Everything is going great and will continue to go great, right?

maybe.

i have been doing a lot of self evaluation these days. i think it is because i am in loooove and being so for the first time in a while, i want this time to be different than the other times i felt so. mostly because the other times didn’t stick.

sometimes this really wasn’t my fault (per se). quite often, the guys i fell in love with were either broken or not yet formed. i was really counting on the potential they had. sort of like the bet the trailblazers made on the current team. but then i knew they were boys in states of disarray and i went for it anyway (idiot!). so this time i fell in love with a fella who is fully functioning as an emotionally developed and eager to play partner. wow. i really don’t want to be the one to fuck it up (is that adult content?).

there are a few parts of my body/character that could use a little reconsideration. frankly, i have let myself go a bit. a little heavy (not bad, just a little), a little lazy (ibid), a little financially unfit. some weekend projects to be done for sure. but it seems like whenever i try this, it lasts a day or a week and then i go back to my less constructive ways. so my most recent question was how to make lasting change to help me be the person i think i can be?

the first change came when i found the winner (yay me!). really, he is the best man i have ever met. and he knows me only as i am now. he didn’t fall in love with me when i was 20 lbs lighter with pert boobs and only a little debt (which is probably good because i was married then so it wouldn’t have worked). he fell in love with my more rubanesque self. someday, i will talk about how that happened, but today suffice it to say that with his love, i began to realize that although i thought i was alright, i also could probably be a little better.

so i started moving my body a bit. jogging, off and on. and though i had a short setback, i am getting back on track in the morning. (my goal is to run 19-21 miles this week). but i have also realized i need to eat better and think more about how and what i spend my money on. so i have given myself some budgets. and i have decided that to keep me honest, i am going to post my experiences with these budgets every few days here in this spot.

so really, don’t expect too much. this will not be an exciting blog. but if you have any words of wisdom or the desire to encourage the incorrigible, please impart at will. if you are mean i will just delete it, i like myself well enough not to put too much on the opinions of the mean and uninformed. but really, i like the idea of strangers keeping me honest, so if i quit posting or start slipping up, chew my ass out. tell me about starving people somewhere who could have eaten for a week on what i ate last night, or give me little zingers like “you neva gonna get a different cake if you keep usin’ the same ol’ recipe” (works best with a southern or country accent because that is how my great grandma would have sounded).

so let me weigh myself and lets see where we are starting…. 159.

not as bad as i thought it could have been. i will let you know how things go in a few days. i will be in LA at a conference then, so we will see how the goals stand up to travel. wish me luck….